INDIRECT COMMUNICATION

Indirect communication is used to attack, manipulate, or defend one's self.

By comparison, indirect communication conceals one's true position or feelings. There are may ways to be indirect, an obvious example is sarcasm. If you don't like someone's clothes and you say (in a sarcastic tone) "I like your clothes", the literal meaning and implied meaning are opposite.While direct communication has a goal of cooperation, indirect communication has a goal of hurting or manipulating another person, or protecting one's self. Below is an incomplete list of some different forms of indirect communication, grouped into attacks and defenses, along with a description.

personal attacks:
1.)name calling -- "You're a pig!". The purpose is to hurt the other person's feelings. If you were being direct, you might say "I'm angry at you, and I think you're a bad person.". This is truthful, but less likely to hurt the other person's feelings (if that is your goal). Note that name calling does not require any response from the other person...it's not a question, so no reply is required.

2.)belligerence -- "Why won't you do it?! Huh?! Why not?!?" Repeatedly demanding another person submit to your demands. An example of a direct response might be "I've already answered you, and I'm not going to answer you again. We can talk about something else, or I'm done talking to you."

3.)sarcasm -- Using an affected tone and saying the opposite of what you mean. Sarcasm can be used to mock or insult another person, although it can also be used purely for humorous effect.

4.)contempt -- A harsh and hostile tone of voice that expresses contempt for the person you are speaking to (or about). This is one of the "four horsemen of the apocalypse" for predicting divorce cited by John Gottman (see below).

5.)yelling -- Using an unnecessarily loud volume for effect. An example of a direct response might be to say "Please don't yell, I can hear you fine."

6.)insinuation -- Implying what you mean with suggestive statements. For example, "If it's not your fault, who's fault is it!?!". An example of a direct response might be to say "Are you implying I am to blame?"

defensiveness:

1.)defensive -- anything said with a defensive tone of voice, a high-pitched tone that is understood to deflect blame. For example, imaging the pitch used when a person says "What's your problem? I was only trying to help!". People are generally not aware of it when they are using a defensive tone of voice, but it's important to be aware of the tone of voice you are using if you want to avoid being defensive.

2.)dismissive -- To negatate another person's problem or statement. For example, saying "so what?"

3.)minimizing -- to reduce or de-value another person's problem by characterizing it as less than it is. For example, saying "It's only a scratch, you'll survive" when someone is hurt or injured.

4.)stonewalling -- obstructing another person's questions. Giving only evasive, dismissive, or vague responses to another perosn, making no effort to answer their questions but trying to wear them down/frustrate them.